Healthy Ways To Discipline Your Child

The post is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.

Let’s face it: nobody wants to be the parent of the child screaming in the supermarket aisles or getting notes from school about poor behavior. You’re worried about judging looks from adults and even other parents. These people forgot what it was like to be a kid—still figuring out this new world with its complex rules and social conventions.

At its core, that’s what discipline is: parents teaching children how to behave in polite society. It’s better to be a smart disciplinarian than a tough disciplinarian. You want your child to understand how to be a kind, productive person in society and why that’s important. Effective disciplining does not have to include spankings or whoopings—whichever term you use.

It also should not include emotional abuse, which can sometimes even lead to complex PTSD. PTSD from emotional abuse can be especially challenging to treat for those who develop it in childhood. If you’re reading this and worrying that you’re traumatizing your child because you put them in timeout, rest assured you are not. You can and will be an effective disciplinarian and great parent if you commit to doing the right things consistently and being flexible when appropriate.

Before You Do Anything, Take A Deep Breath

Your child may sometimes do things that make you mad. Really mad! It may be hard for parents of infants to believe, but your child will test your patience more than once. Such behavior from your child might make you angry enough to yell or spank them. You must resist that temptation. If you need to, take a brief moment to collect your thoughts. That’s always preferable before saying something hurtful to someone you love.

Turn Negative Phrases Into Positive Ones

If your child does something they shouldn’t, like screaming while you’re on a phone call, it makes sense to say, “Hey, don’t do that!” After all, you do want them to stop being disruptive, right?

Instead of telling them not to do something, it’s generally more effective to give them something productive to do. So, next time they’re making a mess with their toys while you’re trying to get their shoes on to go somewhere, try giving them clear directions on what you need from them.

Communicate Consequences For Poor Behavior

Kids need to connect the dots between something they shouldn’t do and the consequences of engaging in that behavior. For instance, let them know you’ll put them in time-out if they do not stop throwing their toys across the living room and start playing quietly. If they do not follow your directions, you need to follow through with putting them in time-out.

Do Not Lecture When Fewer Words Will Suffice

As your child becomes a teenager, you might consider giving them some household responsibilities. Giving the family dog a daily walk might be one.

You’ll probably have to gently remind them of their responsibilities at least once. You remember what it was like being a teenager, don’t you? Your mind was everywhere except for your boring parents and their boring chores.

So, you might be a little irritated when it’s six o’clock in the evening, and Fido hasn’t been walked. You might have already given your child a dozen reminders, and your patience is probably wearing thin.

At this point, you probably want to give your child a reality check and tell them all about why taking care of responsibilities is important because not doing so as an adult can make you lose your livelihood and on and on (you remember the lectures, don’t you?), try to speak less. Just saying, “Fido!” in earshot of your teen might do the trick. When you can get your message across with fewer words, that’s often the better option.