In today’s era of the internet, there is so much information out there about how to be a good parent. Oddly enough, so much of this information is conflicting. So what is a 2017 mom to do? How are we supposed to achieve maternal perfection if we are constantly bombarded with differing opinions on being the “perfect mom”?
The “Perfect Mom”
Alright ladies, it is time to get down to business, ( to defeat the Huns, yes I went there, I cannot say that phrase without that song popping up in my head). Okay, so really it is time we put our selfish ways aside and focus on our children and becoming the magical unicorn that is “The Perfect Mom”.
When I gave birth to my first child, I had no idea how to do this whole mom thing. Thankfully, my daughter was born in a time where Facebook Mom Groups exist and there is a plethora of information at my fingertips. I have learned the ways of the internet mom, and I am proud to say that I am coming close to reaching a high level of maternal perfection. Thanks to the good people of the internet, I know what to do and exactly how to do it. I mean, some of the information may be conflicting, but to be the perfect mom you have to do it all, disregarding your personal feelings and opinions.
Becoming the Unicorn
Yes, the perfect mom is like a unicorn. Beautiful and powerful. It is what we all should strive to become. The first step to becoming the perfect mom in 2017 is to join as many Facebook Mom Groups as possible. These are where you are going to amass a large stockpile of wisdom from mothers who have been doing this
just as long much longer than you.
These women are your go to for everything. Child has a fever? Ask them what to do! Undecided on topics like circumcision and vaccination, they will be more than happy to tell you what you should do! Seriously, these women are your tribe and you need to listen to everything they say.
Now that you have joined no less than 50 Facebook Mom Groups, it is time to move onto phase two of your unicorn transformation. Think of those women as your guides, spirit animals even. Now it may seem like you are getting some conflicting information, but don’t worry because you CAN do it all.
Just do it, I mean there is never a reason that women can’t breastfeed, it is all myths put out there by big pharma in order to poison your baby with toxic chemicals! In order to reach unicorn status, you have to breastfeed for at least 2 years, maybe more. When it comes to breastfeeding in public, you have to remember that you can do it anywhere with no shame, but some of these moms will tell you to cover up, so sometimes you need to cover as well. You are legally able to nurse anywhere you want, but you don’t want to offend anyone, now do you? Pump milk and keep it in your freezer, take with with you even but know some moms will think it is the dreaded formula so expect some serious side eye. If you drink, you have to pump and dump, but pumping and dumping isn’t really medically necessary, but you need it to be a good mom so DO IT ANYWAYS.
This is a touchy subject, but you know the internet has you covered! In order to fully transform you need to get your vaccination information directly from the good women of Facebook and Dr. Google. Find those ingredient inserts and see what they say, don’t pump that poison into your kid. If you love them though, you will vaccinate so they don’t get any preventable diseases. You also don’t want to risk Autism because of vaccines, even though it may or may not be proven or disproved. So you need to vaccinate and not vaccinate because the people of the inter-webs said so!
This is another topic the good moms of the internet will love to talk about! So perfect moms, you need to leave those boys intact! You wouldn’t want to cut off all of those nerve endings and the foreskin serves a purpose. Even though there may or may not be medical reasons to do it, you still don’t want to. If you are of certain religious though, you will want to do it but just don’t tell people you did it because they may knock you down in the unicorn ranking system. It may be cleaner, it may not be cleaner, but you should always consult Dr. Google before you make any major medical decisions for your child.
Feeding Your Kids
To reach the next level of perfect mom, you MUST only feed your kids organic foods. NO CHEMICALS EVER. Only the most expensive organic foods will do and you must make their dishes in adorable Pinterest worthy creations in order to truly prove your worth. If you want to level up even faster, you must go Vegan and gluten free as well in order to truly give your kids the best. I mean some moms let their kids ingest poison like cookies and cake, but not the unicorn mom. It is all quinoa and kale for her little bundle of joy. Treats are never to pass through the lips of your perfect little unicorn baby.
So you have to discipline your child, but only in the ways of your spirit guides deem fit. Because they know your child better than you ever could. Spanking is something that should never be done, and timeout can be mean and heartless. All it takes is a sweet yet firm conversation and your tiny one will magically know right from wrong and never act up again. If your child has a tantrum in public, you better run and hide because no unicorn mom would EVER have a child that would act out of character. Take away their toys and make sure they never see the screen of a tablet or TV. These items are evil and can cause regression in your leveling up. Technology is something kids must never experience, yet you must maintain a constant connection to the mothers of Facebook.
Going With Your Gut
NEVER and I repeat NEVER go with your gut if you want to be a perfect mom. This can lead you astray, down the path of evil and next thing you know your child will be ingesting poison formula and toxic cookies. You will fail as a mother if you trust yourself, so always trust the women of Facebook and Dr. Google for all of your maternal needs!
If you want to become the perfect mom and reach the highest level of Unicorn Guru, then you must follow this advice. Every child is the same, never trust your gut, and always consult the magical inter-webs when it comes to ALL parenting decisions.