Maintaining the Romance After Kids
It’s late. The kids are finally asleep. You just want to go to sleep, but your husband has other ideas, he wants some romance. You come up with every excuse in the book and eventually just head off to bed. Husband is left to feel unwanted and upset. We have all been there, I know I have. With two kids it is hard to feel romantic or sexy. So many days I just felt like mom. I was a woman who had lost my identity and melded into this 24/7 mother. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, it was not a pretty time. Finally I realized that I needed to make a change. Romance needed to re-enter our marriage. It was not easy, but I managed to make a few simple changes and exponentially help rekindle that spark of romance that I felt had long since passed.
Turn Off “Mom” Mode
There comes a point in the day when you need to switch back out of “mom” mode. For me this is around 8:00pm when my oldest goes to bed. When she is asleep I am no longer “mom” I am Jessi. I am not saying to neglect your child, but you need to separate at times from being a mom and being a woman. Turn back into the wife or girlfriend that you were before kids for a little while at night. When “mom” mode is switched off, it is not the time to talk to your partner about the kids, it is time for you to be together and talk as two adults in love.It is not easy to turn off mom mode, but it doable. I also have a 4 month old, so there are times when I still get up and feed him and change diapers after 8:00pm. I simply mean that this is the time that you and your significant other discuss adult matters. Discuss anything other than the kids for once. I know it is hard because they become the center of our worlds, but sometimes we need to discuss something, anything else. This is your time to feel like a wife or girlfriend again. Enjoy it!
Your day was hard. His day was hard. This is not a “who had the most difficult day” contest. Let him vent about his day. You vent about yours, but don’t ever try to “one up” each other in this department. The competition over who had the harder day can only lead to resentment, and that is not a good way to spark the romance. This is the time to enjoy each other and allow all of the “hard day” stress melt away. If your significant other had a bad day, be there for him, just like he should be there for you. Complete each each other, don’t compete.
Bring Back PDA
Show some PDA and gross out your kids. I don’t mean anything explicit by any means. What I mean is kiss each other, flirt, and just be silly together. This will probably elicit a response of “eww” from your kids and a laugh from you. You don’t need to be over the top, but that can be fun to really gross out the kids. Hold hands as often as you can. If you are sitting on the couch watching a movie, put your lef over his or your hand on his knee. A simple touch can lend itself to a maintained connection. Doing this serves a dual purpose. Not only will it help keep the romance alive in your relationship, it will also show your children what a healthy and happy relationship looks like.
I found that we needed to make date night a priority in order to keep our romantic spark. We try to get a sitter and go out at least one night a month. Now, I know that not everyone is able to find a sitter, but there are ways around this. You can easily have an at home date night. Once the kids are in bed, take to the back yard and spend time under the stars. At home movie night is also another option for those who can’t get a sitter. The location doesn’t matter, it is the thought and the effort put into time together. This time till allow the two of you to reconnect as a couple.
Get Your Flirt On
Remember when you first started dating and you would send each other flirty texts throughout the day? It is time to bring that back! You don’t need to send sexy texts if you are uncomfortable with that (but this can be fun). Just throughout the day, send little texts saying “i love you” or how you can’t wait to see him when he gets home. He will most likely reciprocate in kind. You will feel good sending them and getting a response and he will feel good being on the receiving end.
Don’t Dwell On An Argument
Had a recent argument? Leave it in the past! It is important not to hold grudges in a relationship. There will be fights, arguments, and disagreements but you need to work them out and move on. Holding onto the negativity will negatively affect your romantic connection. Negativity only breeds more negativity. use an argument as a point of growth and move on. For some tips on getting past an argument click here.
I get it, we all have extremely busy lives. There is work, there is extracurricular activities for the kids. Then you have to cook and clean. It seems to be never ending. Where can anyone find the time for romance as a parent? The answer is simple, make the time. Do those dishes REALLY need to be done RIGHT NOW? Probably not. Sometimes the dishes can wait. The toys can stay scattered around the living room. Make time for each other. Even if it is just talking at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Put down the phone, leave the house a mess, and make time for your significant other.
Intimacy Is Important
I know as a stay at home mom, by the end of the day I am touched out. Most nights I just want to take a bath and crawl into bed and not be touched by anyone. The problem is this leads to a lack of romance in a relationship. I learned that sometimes I need to put forth the effort and be intimate with my husband. That touched out tends to go away rather quickly honestly. It s a different touch, a romantic touch. I forgot how much I crave a romantic touch at the end of the day. We need this intimacy in order to truly keep the romance alive. Embrace it, love it. Making love releases endorphins and decreases stress levels.I know it can be difficult to find the time, especially with kids in the house. This can actually make it more fun. Learn to be spontaneous! If you have a few quiet minutes in the laundry room, then take advantage of it. Shower together or make love on the couch when the kids are in your bed. If romance is what you are after, this is your answer.
Work to Make it Work
Relationships are not always cupcakes and roses. There will be ups and downs. We have to fight for what we want and work to make it work. Don’t give up easily. If you believe your relationship is worth fighting for, then fight for it. Don’t let the valleys get you down. Remember that there is a beautiful view from the top of the mountain that you are climbing together.