Romance After Kids: Maintaining the Spark

Maintaining the Romance After Kids

It’s late. The kids are finally asleep. You just want to go to sleep, but your husband has other ideas, he wants some romance. You come up with every excuse in the book and eventually just head off to bed. Husband is left to feel unwanted and upset. We have all been there, I know I have. With two kids it is hard to feel romantic or sexy. So many days I just felt like mom. I was a woman who had lost my identity and melded into this 24/7 mother. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, it was not a pretty time. Finally I realized that I needed to make a change. Romance needed to re-enter our marriage. It was not easy, but I managed to make a few simple changes and exponentially help rekindle that spark of romance that I felt had long since passed.

Rekindle the spark that you and your partner had before kids with these simple tips.

Turn Off “Mom” Mode

There comes a point in the day when you need to switch back out of “mom” mode. For me this is around 8:00pm when my oldest goes to bed. When she is asleep I am no longer “mom” I am Jessi. I am not saying to neglect your child, but you need to separate at times from being a mom and being a woman. Turn back into the wife or girlfriend that you were before kids for a little while at night. When “mom” mode is switched off, it is not the time to talk to your partner about the kids, it is time for you to be together and talk as two adults in love.It is not easy to turn off mom mode, but it doable. I also have a 4 month old, so there are times when I still get up and feed him and change diapers after 8:00pm. I simply mean that this is the time that you and your significant other discuss adult matters. Discuss anything other than the kids for once. I know it is hard because they become the center of our worlds, but sometimes we need to discuss something, anything else.  This is your time to feel like a wife or girlfriend again. Enjoy it!

Switch off mom mode to make time for romance

Don’t Compete

Your day was hard. His day was hard. This is not a “who had the most difficult day” contest. Let him vent about his day. You vent about yours, but don’t ever try to “one up” each other in this department. The competition over who had the harder day can only lead to resentment, and that is not a good way to spark  the romance. This is the time to enjoy each other and allow all of the “hard day” stress melt away. If your significant other had a bad day, be there for him, just like he should be there for you. Complete each each other, don’t compete.

Complete each other don't compete with each other

Bring Back PDA

Show some PDA and gross out your kids. I don’t mean anything explicit by any means. What I mean is kiss each other, flirt, and just be silly together. This will probably elicit a response of “eww” from your kids and a laugh from you. You don’t need to be over the top, but that can be fun to really gross out the kids. Hold hands as often as you can. If you are sitting on the couch watching a movie, put your lef over his or your hand on his knee. A simple touch can lend itself to a maintained connection. Doing this serves a dual purpose. Not only will it help keep the romance alive in your relationship, it will also show your children what a healthy and happy relationship looks like.

Always hols hands to keep the romance alive

Date Night

I found that we needed to make date night a priority in order to keep our romantic spark. We try to get a sitter and go out at least one night a month. Now, I know that not everyone is able to find a sitter, but there are ways around this. You can easily have an at home date night. Once the kids are in bed, take to the back yard and spend time under the stars. At home movie night is also another  option for those who can’t get a sitter. The location doesn’t matter, it is the thought and the effort put into time together. This time till allow the two of you to reconnect as a couple.

Make date night a priority

Get Your Flirt On

Remember when you first started dating and you would send each other flirty texts throughout the day? It is time to bring that back! You don’t need to send sexy texts if you are uncomfortable with that (but this can be fun). Just throughout the day, send little texts saying “i love you” or how you can’t wait to see him when he gets home. He will most likely reciprocate in kind. You will feel good sending them and getting a response and he will feel good being on the receiving end.

Flirt like a new couple

 

Don’t Dwell On An Argument

Had a recent argument? Leave it in the past! It is important not to hold grudges in a relationship. There will be fights, arguments, and disagreements but you need to work them out and move on. Holding onto the negativity will negatively affect your romantic connection. Negativity only breeds more negativity. use an argument as a point of growth and move on. For some tips on getting past an argument click here.

Don't dwell on the past, live in the present

Make Time

I get it, we all have extremely busy lives. There is work, there is extracurricular activities for the kids. Then you have to cook and clean. It seems to be never ending. Where can anyone find the time for romance as a parent? The answer is simple, make the time. Do those dishes REALLY need to be done RIGHT NOW? Probably not. Sometimes the dishes can wait. The toys can stay scattered around the living room. Make time for each other. Even if it is just talking at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Put down the phone, leave the house a mess, and make time for your significant other.

Even on our busiest days, we have to take the time to make time for each other.

Intimacy Is Important

I know as a stay at home mom, by the end of the day I am touched out. Most nights I just want to take a bath and crawl into bed and not be touched by anyone. The problem is this leads to a lack of romance in a relationship. I learned that sometimes I need to put forth the effort and be intimate with my husband. That touched out tends to go away rather quickly honestly. It s a different touch, a romantic touch. I forgot how much I crave a romantic touch at the end of the day. We need this intimacy in order to truly keep the romance alive. Embrace it, love it. Making love releases endorphins and decreases stress levels.I know it can be difficult to find the time, especially with kids in the house. This can actually make it more fun. Learn to be spontaneous! If you have a few quiet minutes in the laundry room, then take advantage of it. Shower together or make love on the couch when the kids are in your bed. If romance is what you are after, this is your answer.

Make love to stay in love

Work to Make it Work

Relationships are not always cupcakes and roses. There will be ups and downs. We have to fight for what we want and work to make it work. Don’t give up easily. If you believe your relationship is worth fighting for, then fight for it. Don’t let the valleys get you down. Remember that there is a beautiful view from the top of the mountain that you are climbing together.

Fight for what is worth fighting for.

 

58 comments

  1. Meghan says:

    Very sweet post. While I dont have kids, I am going on a 5 year relationship with my man and this is such helpful tips. The “compete” tip is such a great one. Everyone has a bad day but the thing you wanna do with your partner is to be happy and uplift each other, not to dwell on the bad stuff 🙂 Very helpful tips!

  2. mrsdoingmybest says:

    Agree with all of this! I recently wrote a post about date nights, and I agree with all the other points too! Especially the advice to “not compete”! That is such a universal rule for relationships! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Marcie says:

    I love the idea of turning off “mom mode.” We tried something similar where we saved all our actual conversations until after our toddler went to bed. It definitely helps when you don’t need to censor yourself or be interrupted 5 million times!

    • admin says:

      After our oldest was born we let it slide too. It took a while to get back to a better place but it was so worth it. Now with our second I’m trying hard not to neglect being a wife as well as a mother.

  4. platformsandpacifiers says:

    I loved this! It’s all about balance. I think we’ve all been at that “bad” point sometime after having babies. Once you get a balance and routine that works for you and is fulfilling for everyone. I always tell people “If the only place you’re having sex is your bed, you aren’t having enough sex.” Especially with kids, you gotta do it when and wherever you can! haha

  5. Pickle and Poppet says:

    This is so very true!
    I had spoken to my husband about making sure we have a date night a month, even if it’s a cooked dinner st home.
    I agree it’s very easy to put up barriers when you have to make the effort.

    • admin says:

      we usually end up having date night at home too. it usually consists of having a few drinks in the garage while the kids sleep but it counts lol

  6. 21flavorsofsplendor says:

    This was right on time for me! We celebrate 10 years of marriage this year and one of my goals for this year to keep the romance alive. You were speaking directly to me when you said,”I know as a stay at home mom, by the end of the day I am touched out.” I definitely need to work on that and getting out of mom mode.

  7. Lisa | The Merry Momma says:

    These are all seriously great tips. Keeping the romance alive after kids is harder than I had expected. It takes daily intention and work, as you said. I think the one from this list I’m struggling with the most is Don’t Compete, but I love your quote, “Complete each other, don’t compete.”

  8. Shann Eva (@Shanneva) says:

    This is such an important post. I definitely get what you mean when you say your touched out by the end of the day…me too! I need to take your advice and put in more of an effort, do some flirting, and really put work back into our marriage. Thank you!

    • admin says:

      Thank you. Kids really can easily consume us. It happened to me. I had to find my way back to me and find a good balance to make it work

  9. robin masshole mommy says:

    It is definitely not easy. My husband and I go out on date nights every Friday so we make sure we have SOME time alone.

  10. Mandy Carter says:

    It definitely takes work and though mom mode can never be turned off for me I have learned to lower my mode level at appropriate times. Date nights are a must for us since we both work from home.

  11. The Spirited Sloth says:

    This is really wonderful advice. While we don’t have kids and aren’t married, I think we can apply these tactics to our relationship. I especially love your advice about not competing and not dwelling on the argument.

  12. desperatemamas says:

    They say great minds think alike. We are so glad to see that we share many points of view. We wrote a post not too long ago about the same issue which seems to affect so many moms. It’s kind of weird but somehow it makes me feel better to know that we are not alone in this.

  13. theclutterboxblog says:

    I know so many people who need to turn off mom mode and become their own person. I don’t have kids, but I wish my parents had but the romance back in their relationship instead of becoming the bitter people they are now.

  14. reesann723 says:

    This is so important to stay happy and have a healthy relationship. But, it is so hard to do after kids! I often am tired and “touched out”. I enjoy now that my kids are both in school that my husband and I have at least 1 day a week to be adults together.

  15. Kiwi says:

    Great love and relationship advice for couples. I am not a mom yet but I can see how being sexy and drained from the day could put one in a less intimate mood. This will help a lot of parents!

  16. Angela Ricardo says:

    With or without children, this is very helpful and great tips for couples. You still have to make some effort jnto your relationship even if you are so comfortable with each kther already. This is worth sharing!

  17. Kristie says:

    This is so important. I actuallyhave to work on this myself. Mom life is tough but we have to remember that we are also wives and our husbands need us too.

  18. Amanda Love says:

    These are very good pointers. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean the spark needs to go out. You have to keep the fire burning if you want a good partnership with your spouse. I love that it’s all about spending time together even in little ways.

  19. Kit Stanwood says:

    These are great tips in order to keep your romance alive and well! I love the first one about turning mom mode off. And I also enjoyed your tip about always holding hands hehe

  20. amber says:

    Awe I love it, how adorable are you too?! It’s so hard to remember to flirt with my husband but you’re right, it should be a bigger priority!!

  21. Savannah says:

    This is such a sweet post, and so so important. Children definitely add a chaotic side to things, and sometimes it’s easy to forget to maintain that spark. Really being sure to get some alone time every one in awhile is definitely helpful!! Thanks for these awesome tips <3

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